Finally!

So after a little over 2 years I have finally kicked my worse habit… We will call him Tom. Tom is a guy I dated and we got serious pretty quick, true we had known each other for 2 years before we ended up dating but still we got serious quick. Everything with me and Tom was good, almost perfect then he revealed his dark side. He had major anger issues and had quite the temper. Our relationship was a blur of good times, bad times, and even worse times. After me and Tom broke up we continue to engage in a sexual relationship. I was stupid and believed it was because he loved me and was just afraid of being committed so I continued to sleep with him believing it meant something. He has hurt me and then apologized over and over and I still gave him more chances, definitely more than he deserved. The reason I did that was because he was the first guy I have actually opened up to and truly loved. I loved him more than he deserved and he hurt me way more than I deserved. I waited around for way too long to hear him say he loved me and wanted to get back together. He lead me on and every time I said I was done I gave him more chances. Recently he told me the words I have longed to hear him say for the longest time. I was thrilled I talked to him and we decided to start over. That night I went to bed so happy, pr so I thought. I woke up the next day, grabbed me my big mug of coffee and suddenly I had to concentrate on breathing. It was like a wave of sudden emotions washed over me, I grabbed my phone and immediately texted him with the following ” I know we talked last night, but I’m sorry, I can’t, Please don’t hate me”. The minute the text went through I felt…relieved! After all this time of wanting to hear those words I thought I would be happy. I had realized that although I wanted to hear those words, I didn’t believe them. I didn’t trust him and I knew he wouldn’t be able to earn my trust again. He was confused, hurt and upset. He said he was giving me what I wanted so I should accept it. I couldn’t. I have to do whats best for me and finally after all this time I felt like I had finally done the right thing. I had finally kicked the habit of going back to the same man who damaged me so bad. For the first time I feel in control of myself, my emotions, and more importantly…My heart.