The Ex Files

Ah, the joys of modern dating. You break up with someone, thinking you’re finally free from their drama and toxicity, only to be bombarded with blocked number calls and cryptic messages that scream “psycho ex alert!” It’s like trying to escape a horror movie villain who just won’t stay dead.

First, you get the classic blocked number calls. Because apparently, your ex thinks they’re a secret agent or something, dialing *67 before harassing you. Real smooth move there, Sherlock. Do they honestly believe you’re going to pick up and be like, “Oh wow, I didn’t recognize your mysterious number, but now that you’ve hidden it, let’s get back together”? Yeah, not happening.

Then come the cryptic messages. You know, the ones that sound like they’re straight out of a conspiracy theory forum. “I see you’ve been enjoying the sunny weather lately.” Oh, really? Thanks for the weather update, Captain Obvious. But newsflash, I have a weather app for that. And it doesn’t come with a side of creepy stalker vibes.

And let’s not forget the random “accidental” sightings. Suddenly, your ex is everywhere you go. They just happen to be at the same coffee shop, gym, and grocery store. It’s like they’ve become a master of disguise overnight, blending into the background like some sort of ninja ninja-ing their way into your life. Sorry, but I don’t buy it. Your camouflage skills aren’t fooling anyone.

But hey, at least they’re consistent. Consistently annoying, that is. It’s like they’ve made it their life mission to ensure you never forget their existence. Newsflash, sweetheart: I’ve already hit the delete button on our relationship, so your desperate attempts at attention are falling on deaf ears.

So to my dear ex, with all due respect (which is none), please kindly take a hike off the face of the Earth and let me live my life in peace. Your blocked number calls, cryptic messages, and accidental sightings are about as welcome as a cold sore on picture day. In other words, not at all.