Stuck In A Rut

Lately, I find myself getting caught up in my feelings and trapped in my head about so many things. It’s as if my usual optimism is slipping through my fingers, leaving me more critical and self-blaming than ever before. Normally, I pride myself on having a positive outlook, on being the kind of person who can see the silver lining in every cloud. But lately, it’s been tough. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut, and I can’t seem to climb out of it.

I wonder if I’m doing enough, if I’m being enough. Am I a good enough mother? A good enough friend? A good enough sister? These questions haunt me, gnawing at the edges of my confidence. I have three beautiful daughters who mean the world to me, and I know they love me dearly. But sometimes, I question if I’m truly giving them everything they need. Am I spending enough time with them? Am I raising them right? I see other mothers, other families, and I can’t help but compare. Their lives seem different, perhaps even easier, and it makes me doubt myself.

For most of my children’s lives, I’ve been a single mom. I did it all on my own until my youngest daughter’s father came into the picture. He stepped up for my other 2 girls, but even then, I can’t shake the feeling that I should be doing more. I understand that not every woman is fortunate enough to have the other parent involved, and maybe that’s part of why I’m so hard on myself. I feel a sense of responsibility to make up for what my girls might be missing, and that burden is heavy.

It’s not just about being a mother, though. My relationship with my sisters weighs on me too. One of my sisters lives in California with our mom, and I hardly ever get to see her. The distance and the lack of time and money for vacations make it nearly impossible. My other sister lives here in Texas, but our lives are so busy with work and kids that we rarely find time to connect. It feels like the bonds I cherish are slipping through my grasp, and I can’t seem to hold on tight enough.

I know I should give myself grace, acknowledge that I’m doing my best in a tough situation. But these days, it’s hard to silence the inner critic. The self-doubt, the constant questioning – it’s exhausting. I hope this is just a phase, that this too shall pass. Deep down, I know my kids love me and that I’m doing the best I can. I try to remind myself of that, to hold on to the positivity that usually comes so naturally to me.

But for now, I’m navigating through this storm of self-doubt, hoping to find the calm on the other side. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll come out of it stronger, more resilient, and ready to embrace the positive outlook I know is within me.